Aches and Joys

I had a very very bad tummy ache this morning. It was so painful I could not move. I also felt nauseous but found it hard to vomit. The feeling was awful. I think it had to do with the shabu-shabu we ate the night before. The seafood were all cooked in my pot, in my boiling soup. Maybe it was not clean. I don't know. After two hours of feeling sick to the gut, I was finally able to let everything out. It was the most wonderful feeling ever. I thought the pain would never end. After the long agonizing period I fell asleep until late in the morning. I missed work as a result. Now I've learned my lesson, and that's not to be matakaw and avoid eating at shabu-shabu restaurants. The only good thing that came out of this stomachache was that I was able to let all the bad stuff come out. I felt a whole lot better and lighter afterwards, especially knowing that my colon is now cleaner...much cleaner than it previously was.

Anyways moving on...we had dinner at Shanghai Bistro. It's Auntie Kathie's birthday today. I look forward to occasions like this because this is the only time where I see my nieces and nephews. I rarely get to play with them. It's only Chloe and Joshua whom I get to see at least twice or thrice a month. The others, I only see them when there's an occasion to celebrate. That's why they don't recognize me. They don't even know who the hell I am. It takes a lot of effort and "bribing" to get them to be comfy with us. Just like Erika and Enrico. They always pout and hide behind their yayas. The yaya says it's because they don't know us since they don't see us often enough. But tonight was a different one. Enrico was a happy kid. At first he was shy. He kept on covering his face. But after awhile, he soon warmed up to us. We played with the balloons. He was actually laughing all the time. Even if we were already about to leave, he still wanted to play. It'll probably be a long while before we'd get to see them again; he'll forget us again. I hope not.

Bee Happy

I had a pretty good day. I feel happy and light for some unknown reason. Considering it was the first day of the week, work was a breeze. And even if I had to wake up earlier than usual today, I did not feel the day dragging on as it is the case most of the time. Maybe it's because I got to ym with my friends whom I haven't seen for awhile. I also got emails from Krizia and Jane, two of my closest friends who are both in the US and Hongkong respectively. I had a good lunch conversation with my officemate as well. Then there's also the yummy breakfast I had at Paseo before going to work. Although I missed the allotted grace period by a few minutes and had some minor print mishaps at work, everything went smoothly.

I also found out after work that my Amma was planning to give me the mini i-pod for my birthday which made me a thousand more times happier. I wouldn't have to spend out my entire paycheck anymore. I can use it to treat my family and friends instead, and still save up a couple of bucks after. What my Amma said to Ma was really true. Today was indeed my lucky day. I don't mean to sound materialistic and all...But Amma also agreed to have my graduation gift be replaced into a better one...I did not even ask for it. That's why it's just so pleasant and nice today. (There I go again, I can't find a word more suitable than just 'nice' and 'pleasant'.) Anyhow, I thought it was a nice surprise.

I did not expect all these to happen at all. I was already quite happy with my day. For the first time in a very long time, I felt contented with the way things are going on in my life. I don't know if it's just today. I certainly hope not. Maybe it's due to the planets being perfectly aligned according to my sign. Who knows? Haha! Anyway, I'm just glad that today turned out to be an extra happy day for me.

One Big Fight

Today was the much highly anticipated match between Ateneo and La Salle. I was fortunate enough to score tickets to the game. I was contented already to watching it at home after finding out that there were only Upper B tickets available. But last Friday, we luckily got Upper A tickets, thanks to Aunt Natty, our cousin-in-law's auntie.

I did not enjoy the game that much. It sucks to see our team struggling all throughout the game. They were not even given the chance to lead at least once. From first to fourth quarter, Ateneo was trailing by a large margin. Intal was the only one who seems to be having a good game. The rest pretty much failed to get their rhythm going. At some point in the game, we thought Ateneo had a good chance of making a comeback with only ten points behind down from more than twenty points, but La Salle just snatched it away. Too bad Mac Cordona was just having a very very very good game today. Oh well, "Win or lose, it's the school we choose! This is the Ateneo way!" Ateneo is still on the top of the rankings anyway. No need to fret. We're just tied with FEU now. Watching the UAAP games is always fun especially with everybody getting pumped up to cheer for their respective schools. It makes you feel proud of your alma mater.

Anyways, I'm happy that I finally got the mini-ipod that I have been wanting to get. Goko brought it to the house awhile ago. I am planning to pay for it using my first paycheck. Though I still have to wait for the end of the month because last time I checked, my ATM balance was still empty. So I'm letting my mom pay first. Hopefully she won't let me pay anymore. Hehe Or maybe I'll make a bargain with Ma. It'll serve as my birthday gift already since it's coming up soon. If not, I think this will probably be the only big thing that I'm going to spend for the next several months to come...I would have to reserve my next paycheck for the bank. I've got to save up some money already.

Supports

I had a major realization today...the importance of support. I've discovered that having support is crucial in my life, especially if it's coming from loved ones and friends. It's the one thing that enables me to keep going no matter how rough the road may be. I've also discovered that there are a lot of good things that can stem from support. Courage, confidence, inspiration, and hope. So when someone close to you does not give his or her full support, it can really break your heart and shatter your self-confidence to pieces. I have always believed that encouragement can bring one to places. A sincere compliment could last up to weeks, even months. A hard and impossible task can turn into a less daunting one if you are backed with full support coming from the people surrounding you.

So what is the point of this entry anyway? Honestly, I don't know. I just wanted to reflect on how it recently played an important role in my life...especially with all the soul searching, job searching, and 'crossroads dilemma' I have gone through these past few months. Some people had been encouraging and supportive of my plans. But some just didn't believe in what I can do. They have never bothered asking what I thought, what I felt, or what I wanted. Instead of pushing you forward, they pull you down. If only they knew what one word of encouragement can do to a person, that just saying "You can do it!" already means an entire lot, and if only they knew how disappointing it is to see and hear someone so disinterested with what you had to say.

Anyways, moving on...I just came back from the small despedida party of my cousin, Kimmy who will be leaving for China soon. I'm happy that my cousins and I are getting to be more than just blood relatives. Although I'm not close to any of them, it still feels nice to know that everyone's making the effort to bond with one another. I always look forward to every Sunday mornings where we play badminton at Olympic. I still remember when we were younger, we used to hang out at Q-Zar (a simulated laser game) in Shangri-la Mall. We even formed a team and named ourselves Q-tips. Those were the fun days. And then there were also the scavenger hunts and overnights at Columbia, which I will also not forget. Now that we've all have grown into adults, I'm glad we have not become strangers to one another despite the different lives we live.

LTO Woes

I went to LTO this morning to have my license renewed. My mom and sisters also had theirs renewed. Since it's open only during weekdays, I had to call in late for work. I don't know which one was the lesser evil , going to work early or going through the long LTO process. After my experience this morning of waiting for more than an hour just to get a new driver's license, I think I wouldn't mind waking up early for work instead. Pa doesn't even let me drive on my own yet...so why waste my time and energy to get a license that I will never get to use?

I think the LTO has a lot of serious fixing to do. The process just takes too long. Although I have to give them props for making the drug test process more convenient. Last time I got my first license, I had to cross the street and take my urine sample at some small dingy store. This time, they had about three drug test centers with clean bathrooms. Both the medical exam and drug test are actually not that all bad. What was bad were the picture taking, paying, and the releasing of licenses. It takes too long...It is already bad enough that you're waiting in a small area with many people, then you see the people behind the counter moving slow as if they have all the time in the world. Who wouldn't get irritated?

I think they should replace the LTO employees with more efficient ones. They move too slow. They dillydally too much. I also don't know if the old ones should handle the tasks that do not require that much efficiency or speed. I saw an LTO employee (old enough to be my grandfather) handling the computer. He was kind of slow. I noticed him stopping every once in awhile, no, make that every five minutes or so...And what's up with the smoking employees? The place stinks, because some of the LTO officials are smoking inside the airconditioned room...while working.

More than the officials, it's the process itself that needs to be improved. They need to add more resources..Not only do they need to have additional workforce, they also have to add and upgrade their equipment. I figured with this huge volume of people daily going to the LTO and paying around 350 pesos, the agency should have enough money to do the things they need to do in order to make the licensing stuff more efficient and effective. I overheard one man awhile ago making sarcastic remarks. He said it's so ironic how you're paying 250 pesos just so you could urinate in a bottle and pay another 50 pesos just so you could read off letters on the wall. It was funny to hear what he had to say. It actually had some truth in it.

I guess with the inefficient LTO process (probably the same thing also happens with the other if not all the government agencies), there is not much we can do about it. With a country like ours, where corruption exists from the top down to the very bottom, it is just not feasible to move forward and make the whole system as progressive as some of the more successful countries. The budget that is supposed to be for the improvement of the agency goes to the pockets of dirty officials instead. It's really a shame.

I could hypothesize and justify why this is happening to our country. But if I do, this is going to be a one long blog. So I would rather not do so.

Happy B-day

Yesterday was Ma's birthday. I can't believe Ma is already 50 years old. It makes me feel old too...to think that I haven't even achieved anything yet. And here I am already feeling old. Time really do fly by so fast. It seeems only yesterday when we would go out and eat lunch or merienda at Sweet Haven, Sugarhouse, and Dunkin Donuts. And now, Tin and I are working already. Candice and Val are about to graduate and soon they will be working too. The next thing you know, we'll be walking down the aisle already. I just wish that I'm not missing out on anything. Sometimes I feel as if I'm not fully living my life the way I want to. I'm just breezing through everything without stopping to appreciate each moment and each phase...Now I'm already in my 20's, and I'm wondering what it was like being 14? 18? I can't even remember what I did during those times.

As the saying goes, "Slow down and smell the flowers." I say, what flowers? I don't see any. I've been going through life in amazing speed. Sometimes I tell myself to slow down...and stop thinking ahead all the time. Because I'm always in a hurry to finish this and that, I'm not able to enjoy life meaningfully. But then how do you define a meaningful life anyway? Who sets the standard for this? I don't think I would want to delve into this matter. Opinions vary. This is going to be a very long debate.

One thing's for sure though, in today's world, everybody seems to be in a hurry...rushing to get the much coveted top position in a company, rushing to get a high paying job, rushing to acquire money, fame, love all at the same time..It's like everyone's in a race; you can't slow down or else you'll lose. I admit I was one of those many who succumbed to this kind of mentality. But now, I try to appreciate each day and not worry about the future too much anymore. It's just too tiring anyway. It's mentally taxing having to always think, plan, and analyze every little detail in your life. It can really wear one out in the long run.

Although sometimes I feel as if my life is in slow motion too...It's like standing in line for hours just to have your turn on the ferris wheel...The wait is so long that sometimes you ask yourself if it's worth the wait. You ask yourself when will you be able to have your turn and whether you will actually be able to catch the ride or not. Then you start having second thoughts like maybe you should just skip the line and not bother lining up anymore. Or maybe you should have lined up in another ride...though not as fun but at least it's the one with the shorter line.

Life is truly a one big contradiction.

Anyway, moving on...we had dinner at Top of the Citi together with Amma and everyone else. The sea bass was yummy. I swear I could finish the whole thing at the buffet table. I don't know if it's because of eating just salad during lunch. That's why by the time dinner came, all the food at the table seemed to be so inviting. I think I ate more than I should have. That's the problem with skimming...you tend to eat more after.

Sports Day

Candice and I joined the PAPM badminton tournament at Olympic today. This was my first time to ever participate in a game. Pa was the one who made us join. I was pretty psyched to play, though a bit nervous of some of the tough competitors whom we saw playing earlier on. Some of them seemed to be experts already. Having learned that there was no leveling, we could end up playing with them. Fortunately, the first two games went well. We won, modesty aside...with not much effort at all. The third game on the other hand, was a tight match. We lost the first set, made a comeback on the second one after Uncle Nelson and Chesca started cheering for us. The last set was a close one. We won by a few points. It was a hard-earned win. Moving on to the final round, the last two games were not as good. I committed a lot of errors which could have been easily avoided. Then there was also the first time jitters as well as fatigue slowly kicking in. Nevertheless, I think we gave them a good match considering that we were only beginners and have had no training or form whatsoever. I had a good time today. It was, should I say, a pleasant experience. I couldn't find a better word for it. Hehe Although it was exhausting, I felt good because of the workout I got out of it.

I was able to catch the last quarter of the Ateneo-UST game. Ateneo won by a large margin. Yehey!! I hope they play the way they did today in their future games. I think we have a good chance of making it into the Final 2. I'm crossing my fingers and making this fearless prediction now. Ateneo will be in the finals...as long as Bugia, Intal, and Tenorio keep up with their big games, while the rest of the team plays smart and consistent.

The PBA All-Stars is on right now. I'm rooting for the South Team, just because there's Alapag, Taulava, Menk, and Hontiveros in it. I hope they win. It is currently halftime and they're down by a number of points. I'm sure they'll be able to catch up at the 3rd and give it a good run. It's showtime!

Idealistically Practical

I finally got my own place at work. But I still do not have my computer with me. Hopefully by Monday, things are settled already at the office, including me. I was informed awhile ago that I wouldn't replace Jo anymore, which means I would not handle the furniture, fabrics, and all the interior stuff as intially planned. I would instead handle all the office furniture, planter/jars, plants and stuff. My first reaction was disappointment. I would be a hypocrite if I said it was just fine with me. Of course I felt disappointed because the initial job that I was going to have seemed to be an interesting one. It suited my personality well. But after giving it much thought, I decided that this new task that was given to me was a better outcome...me handling the office furniture stuff. It is definitely easier, lenient and less mabusisi when it comes to details. There's lesser pressure as well. I also think that Jo is already doing a good job as it is. So now, I don't feel as bad anymore because I know that I wouldn't be swamped with work or worry about the things I have to do.

Having heard Krizia and Jane stressing about their respective jobs, I took it as a consolation to myself that I wouldn't be as harrassed like them. Well this is how I see it...the idealistic me would have wanted the initial job that I was given with. But then the practical side of me would have gone for the less stressful job. In this case, I decided to compromise my being idealistic. But it's as if I have a choice to make in the first place. I don't anyway. Even if I wanted to be all idealistic, I cannot make it happen. I just follow what my immediate supervisor has to say. So technically the only choice I had to make was either to be happy or be glum with the situation.

Although I have decided to be happy with the situation (yes, being happy is in fact, a decision that one has to make.), I don't know why I feel a bit sad. I'm not sure if it's sadness that I feel. I can't seem to quite put the feeling yet..It's not really about work per se that's keeping me down. I guess it's the directionless (if there is such a word...). The thought of not knowing where to go--which direction to take bothers me a lot. Not knowing what the future is going to be like frustrates me. And even if I do know what I want, I don't have it my way all the time. There are a lot of factors I have to consider.

I wish I know the answer. But that's life. Sometimes there aren't any sure immediate answers. Life is not a guessing game. You can't rush and figure everything out in just one day. There are absolutely no shortcuts to the answers. Sometimes you just have to sit and wait it all out... think hard and wait. And this is precisely what I'm going to do. Wait and be patient. I will try not to anticipate the events of my life anymore. I learned that trying to ride ahead of the waves will just keep me off the board. I have to ride with the wave and go along with it. Go with the flow as the saying goes. Just as it is with life. I try not to expect too much from it anymore. I just live by the day and see what happens next. Things are much simpler this way...with lesser disappointments as well.

Frustrations

It's the first day of the week..and a number of firsts for me as well. It's my first Monday at work. I've been squatting ever since I came into the office. I don't have my own computer yet. All I have is a table and a chair. There were some additions though. A wastebasket. Three ballpens. A tape measure. And three sign pens. Whoopee! Yeah right. Hehe Last week, I was using Glenda's computer since she was on leave. But today, she's back. Luckily Michelle was absent today. I got to use her computer for the meantime. I just do hope I'd get one for my own use soon... especially with me being new, there are a lot of free time in between. And I hate waiting and doing nothing. Killing time is something I do not like doing. At least with an Internet connection, I could do something. I swear I have never used YM so much in my entire life.

I don't know what's going to happen with the reshuffling thing. It's supposed to have taken effect today but nothing's happened so far. My guess is that they're making the transition slowly...So far the people at the office have been nice to me. I haven't got the chance to really know them yet though, and honestly I do not know if I ever will. Maybe. I hope so.

Awhile ago, I felt frustrated. I don't know if it's the effects of doing nothing...But I felt like screaming because of sheer frustration and helplessness. I felt frustrated of not being able to decide on my own. I felt frustrated of not being able to stand firm on what I believed in. I wanted to delay a little more with regards to accepting this job because I still wanted to try out other job opportunities that might come...But because my dad was making kulit already, I had no choice. I didn't want to have any arguments anymore. As much as possible, I wanted to avoid any fights. When my dad speaks, which he seldom does, you know it's the decision that he makes that will be the last one. That's why I didn't bother defending what I wanted anymore. And so far ever since I accepted this job I have now, I got two interviews (and still counting...) plus a lot of job openings that I wanted to try out. Thinking about it awhile ago at the office, it kind of pissed me off. I felt frustrated for not knowing what to do about the situation.

They say you control your own path...destiny...but I know for sure it was not true for me. No matter how hard I try, I can only do so much. I guess if it is really meant to be, then it will be. So even if you try hard in creating your own course, if it's not part of God's plan, fate will lead you back to where you're destined to be. It's a little disheartening for me to know that sometimes things do not turn out the way you plan and want things to be.

Ateneo vs. FEU

I was able to watch the game live today at Araneta together with my sisters. Getting Upper A tickets was more than enough already. But getting Patron tickets on the last minute was definitely a big big bonus. I was excited to finally get good seats without having to go through the hassles of fighting with fellow early birds in reserving seats in the Upper A sections as what we have always do in the past games. I noticed that Ateneans are always more excited compared to the other schools. The Upper A always fills up quickly even hours before the game. Another bonus that you get from the Patron tickets is getting to sit in the same section with the former basketball players like Enrico Villanueva, Wesley Gonzalez, Rich Alvarez, Gec Chia, and et al. But I must say the highlight of the day for me was when I saw Paolo sitting right in front of us. I won't mention his last name anymore just in case someone reads this. Hehe

You see, Paolo was...I think my last crush before I left Ateneo. I used to stalk him...I'd always look forward to every TTh, 130-3pm classes because I knew that I would see him at CTC. I also knew that he was a frequent UAAP patron. So it was nice getting to be at close range. I know it may sound pathetic. After all, he doesn't even know my name...not to mention all I saw today was his back! But still...

The game was a close one. There was a time Ateneo led up to 12 points I think. But as usual, FEU was able to catch up. It was a good thing the players were able to maintain the lead...LA Tenorio was the main man today. He shot a couple of 3's...Bugia has not been playing his best for the past few games already. I hope he'll make a big comeback in the next game. Ateneo needs him!! I also have to give credit to the other players. They played with effort.

I'm looking forward to the next Ateneo game. I hope I'd be able to score some nice seats again.

All About Work

So far, I've been working for three days already. Since some of the divisions in the department will be going through a reshuffle, I was not given any major work yet. I learned later from my head that I was going to be put in the Purchasing 2 division which handles the interiors and furnishings. The other two divisions are the Contracts and Purchasing 1. The Contracts division handles the constructors, building requirements, and etc. while the Purchasing 1 division handles the construction or building materials such as the cement, pipes, and etc. The past three days, I have been reporting to Teena, the Purchasing 2 over-all head. She's nice naman, although I have yet to know her well enough. Let's just wait and see.

I can't say that I am enjoying work. But I'm not bored with it either. It's a whole new environment for me. I've got some pretty big adjustments to do. For one, I have to be more friendly to the people at the office. I am trying to know each one of them, but sometimes I can't seem to break into their circle. It's hard because they have been working there for almost a year. Some, even more than a year. I'm actually surprised with myself. I'm more at ease now with myself. I don't feel the need to be with a group or something. I don't feel uncomfortable anymore when I do things alone. Although I admit that sometimes I get conscious, I am more confident now in my own skin. It's not that I am detaching myself from the others. I do make it a point not to ostracize myself. I still try to talk to people. The only difference is that I don't try to push myself in anymore. I don't know if it comes with the age...I've become more mature now. I don't really worry much about these kind of things anymore. Not that much anyway. I just try to be myself and be friendly. I know I can't befriend everybody on the block.

Tomorrow I still have work. This is one thing I would definitely change about work. Remove the half day weekend work. I need at least 2 days rest to re-energize. I also do hope that by Monday, I would have my own computer and be completely settled already.

First Workday

Today I officially start work...or so I thought. I woke up early, made my sandwich baon, and went to Achi Cherryll's to hitch a ride with her to the office. It's a good thing she works in the same office or else transportation is going to be a big problem especially with Mang Berting gone for the whole week. And with the different schedules of my sisters, I think Pa should have allowed me to drive already. I've been practicing since...since forever anyway. I think it's about time. It's been long overdue. This is actually one of my biggest frustrations--getting to let my parents trust me into driving on my own.

So there I was waiting for instructions. I was asked to go down to HR to take a series of tests and fill several application forms as part of the company's procedures. Here I was gloating that I would not have to take a single test in my entire life anymore....and now I am doing it all over again. The past two months have been gruelling for me. Having to take long tests that took about 2.5-3 hours and go in for numerous interviews in various companies is something I am ready to be done and over with already. Not only are the exams too long...the wait is also long. You keep expecting to get a call and in the end, they don't call. All the effort, gone. Besides I don't think the tests are a true measurement of your skills and qualities. Anyway, finally after lunch, I was briefed by the HR girl on the company's requirements and policies such as the work hours, allowed leaves, absences, and etc. This is when reality finally hits me...I will never be able to go back to the stress-free life I had prior to getting this job. I can't do whatever I want anymore. Having a job does not seem to be such a good idea after all. These thoughts aside, I let myself be brought down to the Operations Department to meet the main head. He was gracious and polite contrary to what I have been hearing about him. I heard he was a monster. True enough, after several minutes in the office, I heard him shouting at somebody in the office. I definitely would not want to be in that person's shoes. After briefly introducing me to Jennifer, who was the next in line to him...I was allowed to leave early. So there, my supposedly first workday in a nutshell.

Perhaps tomorrow will officially be a workday. There are mixed feelings right now. I feel happy that I am officially off the unemployed bandwagon and now part of the workforce. Woohoo! But I also feel sad knowing that I will not have any free time to do the stuff that I want to do anymore. I can't play badminton with Candice every MWF anymore. I can't watch Friends every afternoon anymore. I can't go to the driving range. It sucks too knowing that my Saturday mornings are already reserved for work. I honestly do not know what to expect from this whole set-up. Perhaps the best thing to do is to expect nothing at all. There are lesser if not no disappointments this way.

Start-Off

So this is it...finally...my first entry. I have been wanting to start a blog of my own but I just keep putting it off. I have actually grown accustomed to jotting down my thoughts in my journal...diary...or whatever you want to call it. But then having to manually write down my life page after page, after page is just so tiring. Or maybe I'm just plain too lazy.

Going wireless at home recently made me want to push on with this blog thing. I swear wi-fi is the greatest thing that has ever been created on earth. I used to not want to sit down in front of the computer all day long. But with the wireless thing, I could bring the laptop anywhere I want. That is why the past few days I have been in front of the computer for hours. I think I'm becoming addicted to it.
I must admit writing is not my forte. But it is a good therapy for me, especially with a gazillion things constantly running through my head daily. It can be draining at times. And so I deem it necessary to just let everything out...especially the unnecessary ones. It's a quick fix to removing those pesky worries and those irresolvable feelings. It's also a good output for complaining about how harsh life is sometimes. Makes you feel light afterwards.

As a matter of fact, I already feel good now.